Where can I find my heart back?

The only thing that makes me feel insecure.....

2010-01-19T12:16:00.004+08:00

Is the capricious nature of yours...... Its as though I know and understand you well, but however its never deep enough.

Resolutions!

2010-01-18T10:21:00.002+08:00

Hahahahhaas, alot of people asked me, what is my resolutions for this year.... Well, actually I dun made any for myself.... Rather is like short terms goal?

1) Save as much as I can
2) Hope I can dun be as misleading as before
3) Better Job?
4) Just place myself besides the one I love so that she can knows I am always there for her
5) Hope my family will be happy?

So yup! Boy oh boy.... >_<"" I am so gonna not achieve some HAHAHAHAHAS!

I was there......

2010-01-18T10:16:00.003+08:00

Even though you did not realise, I was there making sure that you are ok.
Even though you say its alright when I made you angry, and I tried my very best to say sorry to you
Even though I have really tried to make you happy but you were not.
Even though I tried to made you laugh but only it seems like you are smiling to me just because I made you laughed.
Even though.....

Same Answer from two different people

2010-01-14T11:48:00.002+08:00

Two different people gives me an answer that is the same.... Should I, should I not??

I did not know....

2009-12-03T16:27:00.002+08:00

That missing a person can be so heart wrenching? Its like sweet because you had memories with her, sad because you really miss her compaionship, heart wrenching because you know that she is though interested in you and yet because of a existence of a barrier and you both cannot be together unless heaven allows it?? Its really tough and heart wrenching just to wait for that chance and day just so that you both can be together?

And yet been together does not means happily ever after? Cos feelings tends to be sweet when friends become couple. However as days goes by, and patience been running low or out?? It really proves to both of them seeing if they are really worth together anot. Girls been afraid that a friend will disappear just because friendship is not there anymore, what after r/s, what left was hatred and disappointment. So yea.... even if that barrier is gone.... will that feeling will still remains the same if one day we were together??

This is an answer that we have to find, and not been disappointed abt it if one day it has been changed?? But all I know is this.... till that day comes, I will still continue to wait for it... just just hope that we can have a chance at this.... Funny huh?? Its a fool's errand, but yet, there are people like me who still willing to try out that r/s.....

I will.....

2009-11-21T19:22:00.001+08:00

I will wait, wait till a miracle happens. I will continue to wait.......

If only.....

2009-11-19T17:05:00.002+08:00

If only you can talk and reply back to me...... I would really give up anything in this world including my life to once again talk and hold you just like before.....

If only you are willing to be by my side, I will give up all the desire just to be with you...

If only time can help me to get you back, I would rather be its slave.

If only..........

Really really really miss you alot~!

2009-11-19T16:54:00.002+08:00

Every seconds, I keep thinking about you..... The moments we are together, the time we hold hands, I hugged your waist. To see your face and expressions.... How I smell your hair, and how you stroke my hands.... Its really as if its yesterday.........

I love you baby, and miss you alot alot... really.... =_(

I still miss you alot alot....

2009-11-19T16:51:00.000+08:00

I really miss you alot alot.... So much that its is drowning me.... =(

2009-11-10T14:23:00.000+08:00

最怕空气突然安静

最怕朋友突然的关心

最怕回忆突然翻滚绞痛着不平息

最怕突然听到你的消息

想念如果会有声音

不愿那是悲伤的哭泣

事到如今终於让自已属於我自已

只剩眼泪还骗不过自己

突然好想你你会在哪里

过的快乐或委屈

突然好想你突然锋利的回忆

突然模糊的眼睛

我们像一首最美丽的歌曲

变成两部悲伤的电影

为什麽你带我走过最难忘的旅行

然後留下最痛的纪念品

我们那麽甜那麽美那麽相信

那麽疯那麽热烈的曾经

为何我们还是要奔向

各自的幸福和遗憾中老去

突然好想你你会在哪里

过的快乐或委屈

突然好想你突然锋利的回忆

突然模糊的眼睛

最怕空气突然安静

最怕朋友突然的关心

最怕回忆突然翻滚绞痛着不平息

最怕突然听到你的消息

最怕此生已经决定自己过

没有你却又突然听到你的消息

I have decided.......

2009-11-09T22:01:00.001+08:00

to sleep in my bean bag for now that is....

Update~!

2009-11-09T09:50:00.004+08:00

Went to St James on saturday, it shld be a fun night if not of some incident that happened earlier.... Going there was a last minute decision. My friends all got quite shocked when I down three bottles of Chivas and yet still can remain standing and been more sober than any other of my friends that drank. Hahahahas, I guess I am staring to be abnormal ler bahs..... We partied till around 5am and they decided to call it a day and went home....

I decided to stay there for awhile longer..... like my last post.... I dun really wish to go back home recently..... even more to even sleep in the bed if I had a choice. So..... I just sat down infront of vivo where its facing sentosa.... It was..... calming.... surpising for me.... maybe I guess my heart is in a swirl that I cannot react bahs..... Damm alcohol is not helping anymore... that was when I decided that I do not wanna promise other people and also other people promising me things...

Prehaps, you can also say, 7/11/09 is the time where I decided to stop loving anymore.... After hanging ard vivocity for ard two hours, I started to walk ard vivo and went to their sky park instead.... Stupid me.... even there also got memories, so why the hell I am there wors....

Sunday went to one of my good friend's house and settle his wedding.... hahahas, funny guy lah.... But he will be a good hubby to his wife. I am sure of it.... Congrats Hans~! Its a new start of your other life. So, have fun ahs~!

I am than supposed to meet someone for dinner, waited till 8pm and what I got is another disappointment... So I decided to skip dinner..... funny it seems thats I dun feel hungry after running around since saturday night.... Unable to sleep.... went to 7-11 to buy beer to drink.... even though after drinking, its still no use.... on and off sleeps is like torturing.... woke up at 7 and cannot sleep ler....

I really dun feel like seeing a certain person right now.... guess I have to give excuses bah....
Sians lahs~! I HATE MY BED~!

Tons and tons of apologies~!

2009-11-09T09:26:00.003+08:00

Have you ever sit down by yourself near the beach at night, drinking and just listen to the sea? Recently I did, in fact alot of times too. I am starting to dislike my bed more and more. Simply because my room holds some memories that I am trying to isolate away.

You know, the most sad thing that can happen to a person is that to know a person that you tried to put your heart into and try to make the relationship happens and yet end of the day, the results is a big disappointment to you.

Sometimes I wonder, why promises exists in this world? Promises only exist so that they are meant to be broken izzit?? I am not too sure. I used to think that promises is there because it is to confirm a special relationship or understanding between two persons. So than why most of the time promises is broken? Thats not so worse, whats worse is that the disappointment behind that promise hold.

"Sorry" is also another word I am really starting to hate now. Ironic that both words comes hand in hand huh?? I mean, if the promise is broken, whats the point of saying sorry?? I dun get it... I really dun. Is it a polite way to let other people know that they can't fulfill their promises? Than why in the first place do you wanna make promises?

Prehaps, they have done their best to fulfill their promises to other people but due to some incidents, they just can't make their promise true. But the disappointment behind it is actually far more hurtful than most can imagine. I know it.... cos I have been there.... So does everyone that reads my blog so too right??

I have decided that its time to stop all this ler bahs..... I mean, I am really tired ler.... So please stop giving me false hopes can?? I just wanna spend the rest of my life doing things I wanna do.... is that really hard for me to even hope for mah?? I have so many things that I hope to learn so, yea.... I guess right now is still not the time for me to open my heart again ler bahs.... Realtionships perhaps is one area I hope to learn and experience but I guess is not now bah... I mean who knows?? Maybe there is a true one outside waiting for me too, but I think that chances is really really low ler....

So in conclusion, I dun wish to fall in love anymore....

2009-08-30T03:10:00.002+08:00

Sorry for the late post, well, I was busy with my school stuffs, waaahahahas, see if I am able to post up the video bahs.... well, recently heard some news that kinda shocked me bahs.... I just wanna tell all of my close ones that I might not be there for you all the while, but all I know is that I really hold you all very close to my heart no matter where I might be. So please..... any problems or even things, normal rantings at all, do tell me ok??

To me, I am willing to give up all the riches just to see you all smiling, truely smiles from the bottom of your heart....

This following paragraph is for someone that is right now been close to my heart and yet.... some how is like very far from me too... This is truely how i feel towards you right now....

Everybody needs somebody to love and everybody hopes their love to be true we are all just loving in this guiding moonlight

Everybody needs somebody to kiss and everybody wants their moment to be true we are all just living in this time of our lives

This love was like being in a fantasy It was the time only for you and I But time has passed so does our love So does our time it's true

If you listen, you are all that I've ever wanted now I whisper, my words are not promising but Let me, be settling down on you forever ever..

If you listen, you are all that I’ve ever wanted now I whisper, my words are not promising but Let me, be settling down on you forever ever..

If you listen, please don't ever stop this moment. and whisper, my words are not promising but Let me, say my belief will last forever ever..

2009-07-14T08:15:00.003+08:00

她让你憔悴许多
她让你不知所措
她的一举一动你不停的对我说
我微笑倾听你说
我却越听越心痛
怎么你说的不是我
她比我多了什么
让你愿意耐心等候
我想知道她让你痴心是什么
我想知道她让你疯狂为什么
我知道做的和她没有不同
但是我却不在你的心中逗留
我想知道她哪里比我好很多
在你心中她和我有什么不同
我知道我比她付出的还多
可是我总换不了你的心动
你让我憔悴很多
你让我不知所措
你一举一动我的心被牵着走
她不经意的走过
你就把我给冷落
嫉妒把我给吞没
她比我多了什么让你愿意耐心等候
我想知道她让你痴心是什么
我想知道她让你疯狂为什么
我知道做的和她没有不同
但是我却不在你的心中逗留
我想知道她哪里比我好很多
在你心中她和我有什么不同
我知道我比她付出的还多
可是我总换不了你的心动
我知道了她哪里比我好更多
在你心中我永远不可能会让你心动
我知道我比她付出的还多
可是我在你心中没有她多

Mixed Feelings......

2009-07-14T08:06:00.003+08:00

One year has since passs since I have last blog.... well, mainly because I am busy with alot of stuffs and also alot of things had happened in my life.... both good and bad... and within a blink of an eye. Two years has since pass by..

Well, After my last post, i changed my company to ACP computer learning where I teach the kids there animations. Hahahahas, fun kids to have and also a nice school to be at. If not for my company, I guess I might really be staying there for quite a long while.... There I spend one year over there trying to raise the standards of the kid's animation... quite a nice job. :) :) :)

And right now?? I switch to Times Publishing Group as their trainer in LEAD department. Life is quite good? Well, what can I say? Pay increase while my job load kinda increases but, I guess its still ok bahs. The kids at Greenwood Primary are quite fun to be with too. =)

Plans to go Aus is kinda delayed =(.... Sorry lynn~! Well, cos of my mum and also because of economy being in recession... Feeling wise? Hmmmms Not very good? =

Haish.... Dun say lers.... no mood now... prehaps, later bahs...

XOXOXOXOXO

2008-02-11T07:51:00.000+08:00

XOXOXOXOXOXO

2008-02-06T11:30:00.000+08:00

Phweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~! Muaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahhahas~! Happi new year eve to all of yew who is reading my blog~! Lalalalalalalalas~! Another year is coming lers, hope you have set your goals and striving to achieve it wors~!

If you still dun have a goal, its no biggie~! Take your time and find out what you all wants huh??
After all, we are still young huh?? ;P

To all of my MONKIES~! May you have a fruitful year ahead okies?? No matter in your studies or... "other" relationship lahs~! kekekekekeke... See you all soon yaas?? Really miss my monkies alot alot~!

Hereby I wish you all a HAPPI NEW YEAR~! :P

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

2008-02-05T22:21:00.000+08:00

A quote my friend told me : Our relationship has already been formed. No matter how trivial a meeting and the incidents that follow may seem, a relationship is made. Even if it is just for a short amount of time, a knot that has been tied does not unravel. It means that during your lifetime, every incident that passes has meaning. The meeting between you and I also has meaning, so remember it." ~Ichihara Yuuko (xxxHolic)

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

2008-02-05T10:50:00.000+08:00

Have done this yesterday wooors~! kekekekeke~!

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

2008-02-04T16:28:00.000+08:00

Today I just done this picture using this photoshop der woooors~! Kekekeke... Nice?? I kinda like the color.... It kinda represents my mood currently...

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

2008-02-03T23:21:00.000+08:00

又被爱伤了一遍

无所谓当作成长

刚刚走开的人

烟还点着味道却淡了

我并不是天生爱寂寞

却比任何人都多

就算把世界给我

我还是一无所有

我要快乐

我要能睡的安稳

有些人不抱了才温暖

离开了才不恨

我早应该割舍

我要快乐

哪怕笑的再大声

心不是热的

全都是假的

只有眼泪是真的

把从前想了一遍

谢谢了伤我的人

想做乐观的人

每种雨声听了都不冷

我并不是天生爱寂寞

却比任何人都多

就算把世界给我

我还是一无所有

我要快乐

我要能睡的安稳

有些人不抱了才温暖

离开了才不恨

我早应该割舍

我要快乐哪怕笑的再大声

心不是热的

全都是假的

我的决定是对的

XOXOXOXOXOXO

2008-02-02T00:26:00.000+08:00

Oh~! Forget to add this.... :)

I had found somewhere nice to live in Sydney lers~! Weeee I hope I can live in west sydney~! Most probaly in newtown~! Will be going there in march, try to take as much photos as possible~! Muaaaahahahahahas~!

XOXOXOXOXO

2008-02-01T23:36:00.000+08:00

真心话：I had thought about it for a very long time before I write this down...

我觉得我们的距离越来越远了。。。你说手心是肉，手背也是肉。那里受伤你都不好过。可是，只有你的手心和手背会痛的吗？难道我的手心和手背就不会痛吗？手心是十年的友情，而手背是三日的爱情。我又该放弃那一个呢？你说你很伤心，因为我们的友情就那么经不起考验。那么，如果你是我的话，那你会着么办呢？你会忍气吞声吗？你给我的不止是悲哀和痛苦，你还椑判了我。。。那我该恨你还是把你推一边呢？我该跟你说过，我爱一个人是一辈子；恨一个人也是一辈子的。

Lynn has told me, that you are starting to feel less guilty ler... cos of all the actions you did... I dun know, and I dun wish to know.. Lynn sometimes really wish to scold that individual.. really really scold her... but alot of times I stopped her... she asked me why I wanna stopped her?? Actually she should be scolded, and given this situation to anyone else, all will too feel the same.. At times, she will secretly used my msn and guess who is the one that does this to me... lucky I did not say the name to her wors.... kekekekeke.

Guess right now I am the only one sleepless huh?? kekekekekeke.... guess feelings too is like a fleeting things to humans baaas... So people will only feel guilty but then end of the day, will console to onself saying that this cannot be helped der... so must feel less guilty and move on with their life... without considering other people's feeling... After all end of the day, that individual has her boyfriend to rest on... and while he will try to console her... but then guess I will be alone lohs...

Forget it baas, since I had chose this path, I will walk it down no matter what lers... Since people can forsake 17 years of friendship and three days to relationship... then why should I feel sad about?? Nothing you do or says will change back anything lers... sad but truth... But from what I gather from your last sms, I feel you too are giving up on our friendship lers... you are just trying for the sake of trying only.... anyways, he matters more to you right now.... and I dun have the heart to imagine this... I DON'T CARE lers.... Lets walk our seperate ways baaas... This I hope will be the last post of this charade.....

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

2008-01-31T18:31:00.000+08:00

Waaaaaaaa these few days is SUPER DUPER Busy lohs.... x_x though busy but good lahs, cos my portfolio is like increasing wors~! kekekekeke.....

Well~! My trip to aus is schedule to go on either the 11th or the 12th till the 15th~! Weeeeee can't wait to fly there and have fun~! Muaaaaahahahahahas... yesterday sho sians lohs.... tried to sleep, but as usual on and off ders... Then I think about alot of things.... both that happens recently and also in the past.... well, sometimes when I think about all these, its very overwhelming laaahs... Sians..... But lucky its weekdays, sho still not so bad.... the worst part is when I have to spend my weekend alone.... that is where I really start to remember things that I dun wanna remember der..... Why my weekends now have to be like dat der woooors? Oh wells, I can't complain anyways... since my life has reached this stage.... might as well, live with it right?? Not that I will miss sleep anyways huh?? ;p

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

2008-01-30T08:50:00.000+08:00

=.= Die ler laaaaaahs, my stamina really drop ler lohs..... today went jogging again and I am already outta breath.... Sians........ Then today after jogging, went to play half court basketball with the students and vice principal wors.... kekekekeke..... wanna faint ler...

Then somemore yesterday did not sleep well wors.... Slept at 11pm plus... but woke up at 1 am plus.... then on and off.....

To Individual: LOL~! Seriously, I also dunnoe how to reply your sms wors.... haish... its like I dun hate you.... but I also dun wanna forgive you.... Dun wanna hate you is because I cannot bring myself to hate you... Cos seriously deep in my heart, I still cherish you alot... But on the other side.... I cannot bring myself to forgive you too.... Cos the hurt you brought to me is really really deep.... Its not anything like what happen between you and that bastard... No... actually I should say, its MORE than that, because I was not only experiencing your pain between you and him when both of you broke up, but also another pain... and that pain is called betrayal...

You ask me if theres anything to rectify our friendship.... I also too dunnoe how to answer you that.... But I guess if I am bastard enough like your boyfriend... I would ask you to break up with him... and come back to me... but both of us know well enough that you will not do that is it not?? :) So why even bother asking?? I just hope that your loyalty will be paid off in the long run... So the bottom line is that I too wish to know the answer... but I dun have it.....

Like what had told you that night.... I guess I now know who is the biggest winner and whos the biggest loser in this gamble ler right? ;)

XOXOXOXOXOXO

2008-01-29T09:13:00.000+08:00

Waaaa went jogging just now wors.... long time since I did not jogged in the morning... a welcoming change~! Kekekekekeke... Also realised that my stamina drop lers... have to train up again.....

Yay... projects and projects and nothing but projects~! -_-'''' But all last min der wors... kekekeke, but I guess I will survive der~! Muaaaahahahahahas~!

XOXOXOXOXO

2008-01-28T23:43:00.000+08:00

I think I am the next evolution link to panda ler lohs~! >_<''' Liew... yesterday cannot sleep much wors... kekekekeke eye rings getting D.A.R.K.E.R slept for about half or one hour then wake up, then doze off again.... only to find me waking up the next fifteen mins...

Then wake up at 6 sharp... the prepare to go to work lers... kekekeke, then when walk to the bustop, it started to drizzle.... mama mi ahs...... Guess heaven also crying for me wors... kekekeke.... When reached work place I went to hand over my projects to my Principal and Vice Principal.. kekekekekes both of them also shocked that I had such dark eye rings woooors Lol~!

After that both of them wanna change some stuffs and I done it lers... then feel very sians... so go youtube and see death note animation~! :P I think I like the animations more wors.... It truly protrays human's feelings and desire... both good and bad.... then later, trugged my way to school X_X walaueyst~! Imagine have to go there for one more year wors... kekekeke...

Today travel alone back to woodlands, and thought alot of things.... If one day I was given a chance to ask one question to god and he will answer my question... the only question I would wanna ask him is that why is this world so freaking twisted wors.... Or rather why the people he created is so twisted in thinking and feelings ??

I admit that it might be my karma be playing tricks on me baaas, but like I says in my cbox... I would rather hurt the people who STARTED all this... cos they should be the one deserved to be hurt... Courage?? what excatly is courage?? Is it really people dun have the courage to mend things back they was or they just simply dun want??

Ha~! Forget it lahs, I have frozen my heart since the incident, and I just wanna finish my studies asap and get out of this place...

XOXOXOXOXOXO

2008-01-27T21:49:00.001+08:00

Hmmmmms just some gibberish ranting from me....

If I can have my wings back? I wants it to be black...

XOXOXOXOXO

2008-01-27T18:32:00.000+08:00

Wooooo Yesterday went to H.S.A to donate blood wors..... kekekekekeke, its been a long time since I did that.... OK baaaas overall it went quite fast wors.... kekekeke only like 45 mins baaas...

After that I went back home to rest for awhile.... but as usual, tough I am tired, but still cannot sleep wors.... Zzzzzzz seems like sleep is more of a luxury for me lers.... During evening time, I went to sun plaza and met up with my god mother and father wors~! Kekekekeke, really miss them alot norhs.... long time did not meet them ler....

Intresting Fact 1: I was actually not surname Guan initially ders..... BY, right I should be LEE.... But because back when my grandfather that time, he was been sold to a merchant or rather a rich man who dun have son, thus, his surname was changed from Lee to Guan....

Intresting Fact 2: I had 4 mums and dads. Yes Literally... 4! Well, one couples been the real deal, and the three was my god parents wors.... kekekekekeke... All love me alot, and me love them alot too~!

Intresting Fact 3: I did not spend my childhood days with my real paretns alot... Rather was with one of my god parents der..... Cos that time my parents was busy with their business wors~! Kekekekeke

Sign, yesterday when I met my god parents who took care of me when I was young... Its like suddenly they seems very old ler lohs..... 心很酸.... cos they knows of my plans to shift.... they supported me to go and even ask me should I need money, can always tell them, they will bank transfer the money over to my account... Even though they had children of their own... and yet they still love me as like I was their real child..... for that I am always thankful... really really thankful.... Sometimes when I look and all of my parents, both blood and non blood... I guess in certain ways.... I am fortunate baaas..... Cso they always look out for me.... always asking me if I am ok mahs, etc etc.....

Well, guess I should be more happy before C.N.Y starts baaas?? But guess theres more sleepless nights to come basss.... Guess I cannot recover as fast as I expected baaas..

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

2008-01-26T09:54:00.000+08:00

Sian laaaahs, cannot sleep again.... Zzzzzzzz...

People in order to be happy, they will do anything to achieve that motive... even to the point of stepping on people in order to climb... or even to achieve anything... they will spare no expenses of your feeling or you yourself... Simply to put it, you are just a stepping stone...

I heard this from a very dear friend of my, and I really felt that its true.... She told me that I am too nice also, and that... its not good to move into certain fields of works... From today onwards, I have decide lers.... I will harden my heart down and make sure that I will be more bastard than all of them... I had learn my lessons the hard way... especially this few weeks...

In fact I should be thanking that bastard who make my life so hellish these few weeks... In him, I had seen the true classic of been what a bastard is all about... I will NOT be so nice lers, this I swear to myself... And I always believe that the world is round, what comes around, goes around.. and when the time comes, that bastard better pray to whatever god he believes that he will not fall into my hands, because if you do, I will make sure that life is not only hell. When compared to hell, its more like a heaven to you...

You want to see the evil me? Then I just hope that you can live long enough to see the evil me...
我决定走上啊修罗的路.... 爱情这个毒药，我会戒掉它的。。。。

XOXOXOXOXOXO

2008-01-25T15:55:00.000+08:00

0_o'''' You know.... I feel that I am getting thinner ler wors.... Cos I can feel my pants is like falling down when I use my belt to tie the usual size.... Woooooo first time in life wors... kekekekeke....

But maybe also due to the sickness I had baaas, maybe thats why I have thin down......

XOXOXOXOXOXO

2008-01-25T10:35:00.000+08:00

~ Liew..... ~ Sho cold in my work place now.... -_- ~ Shiver Shiver ~ Yesterday My cousin came and gave me some medi... feeling better... but still now and then feel da pain wors.....

But Still not too bad lers... today eat some stuffs and did not managed to vomit..... So still not too bad wors~! :D Well, just hope today can be a smooth day bas~!

Yay~! Tomorrow going to donate my blood~! :D

XOXOXOXOXO

2008-01-24T07:49:00.000+08:00

@_@ LOL..... Everything I eat, within the next few hours will vomit out leis..... -_-.... Think I am Pregnant?? kekekekekekekeke...... Sians lahs..... this pain keep following me for about two days lers....

I msg my cousin ler.... hes gonna give me some medicince for my gastric... he thinks its because of it.... Oh wells.... see how lohs~! Haish... got alot of people sms or msg me or even leave a msg in my cbox to ask me to stay to finish my studies wors....... Well, not that I dun want... Maybe will baaas... anyways, its only been pushed back for three more months if I were to finish my studies... Oh wells.... Maybe after the march holis after I go there lers, then I will see how it goes baas...

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

2008-01-23T12:34:00.000+08:00

Walauey..... Sians ahs... today woke up feeling weird weird der.... then when reach school, I then realised that I have gastric pain wors.... kekekekeke...... Pain seems to like me wors... keep following me der.....

Today went quite normal at work... and my feelings is more or less settled ler baas... hopefully by next week, I will be good to go..... Yesterday one of my friend who lives and work in Aus chat with me over the msn wors... kekekekeke quite fun... long time did not chat with her lers... kekekekeke.... She gave me some websites on rental apartment on sydney... waaaaa waaaay cheaper then weird weird lynn help me find der lohs.... =x Hahahahahahas....

The rental rates I heard from my friend who is living there, she told me that its about A$150 per week... or less depend on the area where I wanna live also.... I have send some apartment details that I saw to lynn ler... she will be scouting the areas for me wors... kekekeke, thank yew ah~! Everytime I settled one thing another have to pop up wors..... sians.... Lynn asked me about my studies... she asked me if it is really wise just to leave the course when its about one and a half years left... that one and a half year includes my current semester... I dunnoe laaaahs, some times I dun wanna think that much der lohs...... sians...... But if its not the time to think now... I think next time I will have problems der wors... kekekekeke.... Lynn kinda hinted to me that I should at least finish my current studies before I go.... prehaps then I can study at the uni there and work at the same time.... I dunnoe laaaahs.... Sians.... now the pain is back lers.... -_-

Oh Oh Oh~! Btw.... muaaahahahahahas NATAS travel fair is coming wors... kekekekeke see if theres any discount price to go sydney~! Weeeeeeeeeee guess even heavens is also shooing me to aus huh?? Hahahahahas... its 28 feb to think 3 march.. Yay~! Going there to walk walk ler wors... hope can grab good price... weeeee~!

XOXOXOXOXOXO

2008-01-22T22:02:00.000+08:00

A song just for you, my love, and my best friend.... I dunnoe if you are reading my blog anot... but I think I just wanna dedicate this song for you....

konna ni tsumetai tobari no fukaku deanata wa hitori de nemutteruinori no utagoe sabishii nohara wochiisana hikari ga terashiteta

In the cold depths behind the curtain,
You sleep alone.
The melodious voices of prayer,
Shines a tiny light onto the lonely fields.

anata no yume wo mitetakodomo no youni warattetanatsukashiku mada tookusore wa mirai no yakusoku

I had a dream of you,
You were laughing like a child.
Familiar yet distant,
That is the future's promise.

itsuka midori no asa niitsuka tadoritsukeru tofuyugareta kono sora woshinjiteiru karaFields of hope

Someday on a green morning,
Someday I will get there,
Because I believe
In this desolate winter sky.
Fields of hope

umarete kita hi ni dakishimete kuretayasashii ano te wo sagashiteruinori no utagoe hitotsu kiete mata hajimarutayorinaku setsunaku tsudzuku

I'm searching for those gentle hands,
That embraced me the day I was born.
A single voice of prayer disappears,
And I start again, continuing tryingly by myself.

itsuka midori no asa esubete no yoru wo koetesore wa tada hitorizutsumitsukete yuku basho dakara

Someday moving towards a green morning,
I will overcome the nights,
Because that is a place
That I have to find alone.

ima ga tada kono mune deanata wo atatametainatsukashiku mada tooiyasuragi no tame niFields of hope

For now, I just want to
Warm you with my chest.
Familiar yet distant,
The tranquility we strive for.
Fields of hope

natsukashiku mada tooiyakusoku no noharaFields of hopeFields of hope

Familiar yet distant,
The promised fields.
Fields of hope
Fields of hope

XOXOXOXOXO

2008-01-22T18:11:00.000+08:00

Well, finally the fiasco is over.... Maybe both of us also tired ler baaasss.... Somethings is best left unsaid huh? ;p To each his / her own ways.... hers to his boyfriend who she loved for 3.5 years...

To me, well, to my own...kekekeke, what we both feel sad is that there goes our friendship..... its not that it cannot stand to test... It did survive alot of tests time has gave us... Its just that we have failed the final test was given to us... Kekekeke....

You once told me why our relationship have to start now?? Why it cannot start earlier..... Well, every things has its own course of nature baas.... Its sad is it not??? Once friendship turns to love... nothing seems to be the same.....

She did not told me even till the very end that she wants me to stay... So I guess, my plan is still on baaas.... But... after experiencing this turn of event... nothing is absolute in this world till its in your hand wors.... kekekeke...

Dear individual... I am sorry for causing the guilt onto you.. I truly am.... its never my wish that things came to this... but... it just happens lohs... cos I guess thats the only way out for us baaas...
Me for the pain... you feel guilty yet happy... Who knows... maybe after you get married, things will be much more stable as it was baaas... prehaps then... that will be the time for us to meet again... I am too sorry for saying those things that hurts your feelings... But I guess in order to push you away..., I had to do it baaas.. Its not that I dun wanna be your friend... I really DO wanna be your best friend... but, I guess it not the time yet baas... who knows?? Maybe by that time, you will have more and better friends then me wors.... ;p But saying sorry does not helps at all is it not?? So I guess the only thing that we can do is to walk each to our own paths baaas....

I will always keep you in my heart.. good bye my love.... and also my best friend....

XOXOXOXOXOXO

2008-01-22T07:28:00.001+08:00

Yawn* So Sleepy laaaahs, yesterday slept for only like think 45 mins wors..... kekekeke....

Then got a sms from that individual.... Haish...... why you always like that der.... When I wanna let it go ler, you will have to come back and stirred my feelings again..... Why do you still want me to stay wors..... you says its not easy for you to let me go... but in my sms I told you that... Its been only three days and you had let me go ler right? ;) Its not the matter of disappointment... but rather on what are we going to plan to do right now.....

Since you cannot decide for the both of us... then, let me decide baaas.... This solution will be da best for all of us lohs....for now that is... Maybe I will come back... maybe not.... I dunnoe... but end of the day, next time when I met you.. All I am gonna do is to smile at you.. nod my head, and be on my way again.....

Things dun change suddenly der wors... kekekeke It changes because it was been forced to change.....

XOXOXOXOXOXO

2008-01-22T00:09:00.000+08:00

I had a talk with the individual.... its a heart to heart talk... but not like what it used to be lers.....

Everything changes... from been together.... going back to her ex and till now.... I dunnoe what I have done is right or wrong... but for now... what we need is to isolate each other... for now... for a long long time......

For the last time, I hugged her... and after that I told her to leave first..... prehaps, thats the best solution for us..... she has decided to walk this path... so she has to walk it down no matter what.....

Sorry for making you guilty.. for the last time.... Stay long with him ya?? You will always have my blessing no matter where I will be~! :_)

XOXOXOXOXOXO

2008-01-21T15:42:00.000+08:00

Today there was a meeting... its about our school's competition... We had some discussions and after that ended,

After that H.O.D I.T came and chat with me..... He asked me what is my future plans etc etc... I told him frankly that I had plans to shift lers..... He was quite surprised at first... but he still wished me the best... hahahahas, guess he can sense my determination on moving to aus~! :D

I went online and found a few apartments that I quite like... but all sho damm ex lohs...
Sianz..... I also dunnoe how... see how first baaas gotta save up looohs...

Theres a few more friends I have not told them I wanna leave... well, thats because they are those who is the closest to me... those that had a part in my heart... I guess I will break the news to them during new year baaas....

Today I had lesser urge of thinking that individual.... Maybe because my heart is more or less settle down ler baas.... she sms me today... wishing me good morning...... I....dun...have the heart to sms back, cos if I do... all the feelings that I have tried some hard to buried, will surface again....

Seriously.... after alot alot of incident... my tears seems to dried up lers.... sometimes its good.... sometimes... its not.... cos like my earlier post..... crying without tears... is really really a toture...
Forget it... I had made my decision.. I will walk it down no matter what... If we are truly fated.. then let heavens decide bas... but though that is not likely to happen anymore...

Hello Aus~! tata singapore....

XOXOXOXOXO

2008-01-21T12:21:00.000+08:00

I just realised something.... or rather I forget to blog abt.....

You know.... to be crying without tears.... thats toture.....

XOXOXOXO

2008-01-21T11:07:00.001+08:00

Updated* I just find this myself... http://www.realholidays.com.au/cgi-bin/rsearch?a=o&id=402924357 Hmmms not bad too...

http://www.apartmentsplus.com.au/property_details.asp?ID=342 Lynn Just send me this link wors....

Not bad... but quite ex... maybe can ask for a lower quote...

XOXOXOXO

2008-01-21T11:07:00.000+08:00

http://www.apartmentsplus.com.au/property_details.asp?ID=342 Lynn Just send me this link wors....

Not bad... but quite ex... maybe can ask for a lower quote...

XOXOXOXO

2008-01-21T09:10:00.000+08:00

Woooooooos.... its become very fast wors..... Lynn just sms me saying that she got a apartment for me ler... But will only be next year march.... Hmmmms oh wells... anyways, She will be sending the photos of the apartment later... Hope its good :P

And she kinda keep rushing me to quickly send her some of my stuffs, cos shes having alot of free time recently, sho she wish to help me to settle my stuffs asap... -_-''' Ey, spend time wif your boy instead laaahs.... My stuffs can always settle some other time der mahs~! Kekekekeke...

Maybe I do need some help here..... prehaps I will ask my four dear girls to be my part time workers~! Hahahahas, quite alot of stufs to pack wors..... Better start packing now.... otherwise there will be no end from lynn.... -_-""

XOXOXOXOXOXO

2008-01-21T08:46:00.000+08:00

Sianz lahs...... now totally no mood to do work norhs...... Super sian...... Hate this kind of feelings..... And I also know that theres a good chance it will follow me to aus even though I feel it will have a fresh start for me...

How lahs........ Well, alot of people kept asking me why I wanna shift... well, cos I have seen the ugliness of mankind.... how they will be despicable so that they can have things or the things they wanna possesed... very very very 心寒.....

Lynn told me... seriously that guy is a bastard.... cos she feels that the pain and hurt will only be inflicted upon me and that individual only..... so there no losing end for him to do this kind of things... As long as end of the day, hes not hurt, then everything else is ok lohs.... Pain for me, guilt feelings for the individual....

Sianz...... really wanna sleep lahs... but I just can't get to sleep wors.... kekekekeke.... its like everytime I slept.... images keep surfacing out like theres no tomorrow... So scary....
Shawn ahs..... forget it lahs.... please please please forget it 好吗? 不要那么不争气了。。。 She has made it very very clear to you that its not possible lers..... 放手吧。。。。

Maybe now I am just scared to think that shes with this kind of guy baaas.... I just prayed that she will be fine with him lohs...

XOXOXOXOXOXO

2008-01-21T06:27:00.000+08:00

Another sleepless night..... Haish.... getting more and more tired wors....kekekekeke.....

And please stop saying you never meant to hurt me baaas.... Its already a known fact that you hurt me deeply... very very deep... from the moments you agreed to go back to him... its already betrayal... Please... just let it go..... Hes been despicable.... and you went right along with it...

Its.... betrayal.... outright betrayal... he used your feelings about him and you went right into it....
So what can I say??? N.O.T.H.I.N.G

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

P.S now going to school for jogging...

XOXOXOXOXOXO

2008-01-20T22:26:00.000+08:00

Sianz..... Everytime I close my eyes, its as though all memories flashed past me.....

Hated this thing lohs.... And I can feel like my brain is like sho busy with thoughts.....
Like a spiral machine... it keeps on repeating in my head... Sianz..... Super sianz......

Please stop ler lahs..... I had a hard time settling my feelings wors.... stop stirring any more of my feelings can ler mahs??? Please please please?? Kekekekeke....

Now that when I have settled down... I actually dun blame her... seriously I dun.... Love this kind of thing... just have their ways of moving on its own... no matter how you tried to control... if its not yours, then its not....

Whats the difference between false hopes and hopes itself then?? Sometimes I feel, is it not hope itself is false?? Because people wish for something they cannot have, thats why they hope right?? Or is it beacuse to spurred them to move on in life? never to stop or look back?? So that they can just some how managed to grab that hope of theirs?? Prehaps, its not of my concern anymore baaas,

Please wors, dear dear me... wake up ler oh.... dun dream anymore lers.... this world favours the brave... So be more proactive baaaas... :)

XOXOXOXOXOXO

2008-01-20T19:00:00.000+08:00

不要那么不争气好不好？忘了吧好吗？最多把它当成一场梦吧。。。

xoxoxoxoxo

2008-01-20T18:15:00.000+08:00

Sian lahs..... I tried to sleep but cannot sleep... all the memories keep coming back....

Wish I can stop lohs... its final ler... has made the decisions ler... forget it lahs.....

Think tonight will be sleepless again....

xoxoxoxo

Note...

2008-01-20T15:49:00.000+08:00

Lynn, sorry wors..... Of all times now.. I had to trouble.... sowwie~! :O

Btw... I want a NICE apartment ahs~! Maybe.... where I can be near to the sea der~! Please Please help me find okies?? If not, then maybe somewhere near your area too....

Thank yews~!

XOXOXOXOXO

Announcements

2008-01-20T13:03:00.000+08:00

Dear all...... I had a announcement going to make :

I had think it through.... coming march... I will be going to aus to look for an apartment and by dec time, I will shift to australia... I know this is sudden.. but I have think it through and through.... I think its the best for me... for now... that is....

Singapore has truly alot alot of menories for me.... all just too overwhelming, but sorry.... I just wanted a shift of new enviroment.. For now if those of you who see this, please keep very very quiet.... cos I wanna go away alone and quiet.....

Some of my closer friends have received my sms about my decision and they were quite disappointed... sorry ya? :_( But.... I guess its for the best baaas... Dun worry... Lynn will help me over there... besides... its not like I have not live alone... I HAVE always been living alone...
Some of them tried to ask me to stay for awhile more... they claims that its my memories... no matter where I go, its always with me... Its true... but... maybe I just wanna get away from all this... this familiar place.. sad familiar place... But its not confirm yet... cos Lynn told me that she might take some time for her to process the apartment too... besides, I have not go there and really see it... so no confirm yet...

The song right now in my blog... somehow kinda tells you how I feel now.... How I feel to the individual... but this song is dedicated to all of you who came in and see my inner world...

xoxoxoxoxoxo

教室里那台风琴叮咚叮咚嚀叮像你告白的声音

作一直很轻微笑看你送完信

转身离开的背影喜欢你字跡清秀的关心

那温热的牛奶瓶

在我手中握紧有你在的地方我总感觉很窝心

日子像旋转木马在脑海里转不停出现

那些你对我好的场景

你说过牵过手就算约定

但亲爱的那并不是爱情

就像来不及许愿的流星

再怎麼美丽也只能是曾经

太美的承诺因為太年轻

但亲爱的那并不是爱情

就像是精灵住错了森林

那爱情错的很透明

2008-01-20T10:09:00.000+08:00

Its already been a week from the incident and I seriously still cannot sleep at night... Sleepless nights is soooo sianz....

Fuck up lahs.... I really dun like this feeling..... Yesterday the individual sms me asking me if I can become back as good friends as before anot... I reply her I dunnoe... SERIOUSLY I DUNNOE.. Prehaps if that day I had been more bastard, I will not be the losing end....

Whats more to say now?? I had became a sacrifice in your relationships ler..... I became a victim... nothing more and less... Prehaps maybe I should really scold you and hate you... that will be a more easy way out.... And prehaps you will feel better.... Maybe I should scold you during that call and tell you that we will not meet forever lers...

I mean... I really dunnoe whats going on in your mind that point of time.... You told me that he told you that love is selfish... so why cannot you be more selfish to him and reject him right there and then?? Whats done has been done... forget it... I had just now sms lynn that I will be going to aus during march holis... and maybe after that stay there for good... prehaps, this time, I am going to look for an apartment there...

You told me that you know the pain for a person to leave your side... but and yet you still did this to me.. so whats there more to says?? All I can says that lets treat the 76 hours as a fling baaas... I am too tired ler.... Hows I wish sometimes someone I love can give me a hug... just only a hug... but guess I will have to wait....

Hope you and him will settled baaas.... I just prayed that because of my sacrifice, both of you will be married to one another... Its true that you did not treasure us... so do not repeat that mistake anymore...

I once heard a story from someone... she told me that when people were born, they were born with an invisible pair of wings... A pair of angel wings.... But once a person falls in love with another person... the one who gave more love will lose their pair of wing... because the wing represents their love... My wings...... is gone... period...

No one console me yesterday... I told myself that the individual did not treasure the gift well, so might as well move on... Maybe so..... Weekend now is so hard to spend now... So so so hard...very hard..... Maybe all along... it was a mistake baas....

Sorry to my heart wors.... make you pain again~! kekekeke I can feel deep down inside... its like a fresh wound on a old one... Its truly bleeding now... Prehaps, I should not tend to my wound baaas, just let my heart bleed to death....

My wings is really gone.... really..really.really gone.... (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T)

Good bye to 11/01/08, 12/01/08 and 13/01/08~! I shall forget you ler oh~!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

2008-01-18T17:54:00.000+08:00

I have got my answer yesterday night... surpisingly, I am actually clam.... very very very clam... No abits of anger inside me... I also dunnoe why... prehaps, maybe in the first place.. I did not place alot of hopes in it baaas

To everyone who is reading my blog.... I dun really know who you all are, but I know my five dear girls is reading it, but other than that, I dunnoe who is reading... If you think putting some prank or funny msg in my cbox... I will immediately lock my blog down.

I have almost settled down and yet this thing have to come again... I DUN LIKE IT.... Besides.. like I says, if you think... ITS NOT EVEN LOVE. Please... grow up.. I dun wanna have trolls here

xoxoxoxoxoxo

2008-01-17T11:53:00.000+08:00

水象星座：巨蟹座、天蝎座、双鱼座。　　

顾名思义，水象星座的情绪特征就和水的形状一样：变幻莫测。他们在情绪表达和处理都是如此。

情绪要不就暴烈如火山，要不就闷不吭声，没人能摸得清楚。在情绪处理方式上，他们对任何事情

不是极度的包容，就是以极端的忿怒来对待。所以在情绪上，水象星座是走极端的偏激分子。　　

在人际关系上，他们通常给人非常温柔体贴的印象，但变幻莫测的情绪，也常给人深不可测的感觉。

Oh..... Hows soo soo true it is....

xoxoxoxoxo

2008-01-16T23:36:00.000+08:00

Just.... give me some time okies???

I can't really fix my wound with a big smile can't I??

xoxoxoxo

2008-01-16T21:43:00.000+08:00

Today someone ask me if that individual has told her boyfriend about the situation....

Seriously... I dunnoe... and I also dun care.... simply because..... or rather I can predict...... for me, I feel that if she dun dare or want to talk about the incident to her boyfriend.. then what is there to talk about??? If she did told him about it, and he still begged her to go back to him.... then, it really shows that hes still in love with her....

Sho why trouble all of us??? Sometimes... I am also quite scared of myself too... seems like I am a monster.... able to predict situations..... sometimes... frighteningly accurate...... I would rather not have this kind of instinct and just live life simple....

But like I says.... destiny does not allows me to do that...

xoxoxoxo

2008-01-16T12:20:00.001+08:00

Today I chat online with a friend of my.... she happens to know my situation and tried to share her view with me.... Guess she had the same outlook in life as me wors....

She told me one very simple fact.... that time is not always the most inportant factor in relationships... because she felt that yes , you can have a long relationship... but as long as the x-factor is not there anymore, its only a matter of been "used" to the other's presence.... Time is also not equals to the amount of love in it too..... How true it is wors....

Maybe thats why me and her click very well the first time we met~! But.... though its say like this... but sometimes... I just feel that in life, how much and what you had... is pretty much destined for you... so if you have it, cherish it... if you dun, do not hanker it so much too.... wells, easy to say that is... but so hard to achieve...

Well, like what I have posted in my previous post... I guess I will survive, anyways... I had worst..

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

2008-01-15T20:56:00.000+08:00

Jie Jie is right...... I am too good natured ler.... she told me she feels that its time for me to ponder about it....

Maybe shes right.... prehaps I am not so good natured, then all these things will not happen to me ler... Trully this is my killing point...

Guess its time for me to shed away my good nature and become more aggressive baaas... myabe also its time for me to move.... prehaps just dun even care about my studies and just move to somewhere nobody knew me.... start life afresh... prehaps just prehaps....

2008-01-15T20:46:00.000+08:00

小学篱芭旁的蒲公英

是记忆里有味道的风景

午睡操场传来蝉的声音

多少年後也还是很好听

将愿望折纸飞机寄成信

因为我们等不到那流星

认真投决定命运的硬币

却不知道到底能去哪里

一起长大的约定

那样清晰

打过勾的我相信

说好要一起旅行

是你如今

唯一坚持的任性

在走廊上罚站打手心

我们却注意窗边的蜻蜓

我去到哪里你都跟很紧

很多的梦在等待著进行

一起长大的约定

那样清晰

打过勾的我相信

说好要一起旅行

是你如今

唯一坚持的任性

一起长大的约定

那样真心

与你聊不完的曾经

而我已经分不清

你是友情

还是错过的爱情

Just wanna be alone....

2008-01-15T14:43:00.000+08:00

No Lynn..... please dun come back again.... just concentrate on your job and your boy ok?? I will be fine... sorry I did not talk to you for long... just that I need some time to cool down and... just be alone okies?? Its not that I dun wanna talk to you.... but dun have da mood... sorry babe...

Its not that I am sad about the incident... but rather about the contents of the sms that I received.... If that individual had not sms stuffs like that... I will still be ok... I just want a clean answer.... not some ambiguos sms.... I dun like that seriously.. I dun.... If you had really meant what you say and did... then today, prehaps... things will be so so so different from where we stand now... You says you are glad that I stood by you during when you needed company... but... where were you when I needed you the most??

Like in my sms to you... I would rather you not say this kind of things to me.... Cos it will only makes all of us that much harder to make decisions that we dun wanna make.... Maybe you dun wish to hurt me that bad... and tried saying those things... But thoughtless help sometimes DO harm people... So thats why I dun help people necessarily.....

I am still not feeling good.. seriously... I am kinda not satisfied with the answer you gave me... but because we have been friends for such a long time... I dun wanna make things ugly for all of us.... You know me der.... I would rather get hurt then letting ALL of us getting hurt...

Its not that I am noble, I too am human.... I too sometimes will be selfish.... but... I really dun wanna do that... Mentally, its as though I am grabbing myself and chaining myself, not letting myself go to you because I dun wanna hurt all of us...

But I guess I will survive... after all.... I have been through worst.... Btw.... This msg is NOT directed at Lynn.... but someone else....

xoxoxoxoxo

Wake up~!

2008-01-14T18:29:00.001+08:00

Arggggghhhh~! Why am I still hoping that there will be a turn of events?! Why am I so useless?! Damm it~! I am more useless than a idiot~! Why do I still harbour hopes?!

WHY WHY WHY??????????? Why do I always hope to receive your sms or even call when I jolly well know that ITS NEVER GONNA HAPPEN?!

Fuck lahs..... I hate this kind of feelings lohs.... fuck up~! I REALLY HATE THE FEELING OF HARBOURING HOPES WHEN I 10000% KNEW ITS NEVER GONNA HAPPEN~!

Rain....

2008-01-14T17:40:00.000+08:00

Its as though today's rain is for me.... knowing that I need a outlet to scream.... it started to rain... walked to the bustop in the rain... it felt so nice.... I really like the way raindrops fall on my whole body.... Its as though it knows my sorrow and tried to hug me comforting me saying that "its ok.... I am here for you... I know what you are feeling.. cos I have been there..."

Suddenly I started asking myself.... what excatly is love?? Is really 3.5 years of relationship not as worth as a two days relationship or even vice versa?? In realtionship.... does time really plays an important factor??? Honestly... I also dunnnoe.... but if that point of time, I am logical, I would say yes.... 3.5 years is really a relationship worth.... whats more, its both a mental and physical intimate relationship... that makes it even special...

Letting go is always not a bed or roses.... Rather, its NEVER a bed of roses...

xoxoxoxo

I dun feel well.... mentally

2008-01-14T15:02:00.000+08:00

Seriously.... I dun feel well now... mentally that is.......Now some more at work..... My heart feel so confused....so so so confused....

Happi New Year~!

2008-01-01T22:55:00.000+08:00

Pweeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~! Muuuaaaaaahahahahhaas Happi New Year~! First of all, sorry for not updating for such a long time ahs..... Well, cos I had such a happening time since December 2007~! :P Hmmmms lots of things happen to me these few days.... some happy, while some sad... Well, I cannot say everything out... buts just some baaaas

Recently, Lynn came back to Singapore to spend some time with me... we met up with another friend of ours and we had quite a nice time~! Also recently, two new girls came into my life recently, which has strike a chord in my life, that it has never happens since I last met alice...
Well, lynn told me its L.O.V.E but I dunnoe... maybe yes maybe no... but I am not too sure leis... Also recently I had made some decisions which I dun know if it is right or wrong... All I know is that either decison I made, one of us will get hurt... haish... sometimes I really wish I can be the one who will be hurt... but god tends to make fun of people... often people who wants to get hurt, will not be hurted... rather is those near them or close to them....

Arghhhhh~! My heart have not been so confused since alice passed away... So so confused and also... hmmmmms I also dunnow what words to use... hahahahahas seems like, hmmmms experienced all kinds of feelings all at once.... I just hope that things will settled down soon enough so that I can get my directions right....

Work wise, well, its still good~! The school I am now in is very nice... and also the staffs there too treat me very nice toos... just like a big family... total different working enviroment in YCKSS.. Hope I can settled in asap baaaassss... though one thing for sure is that I will really miss my students in YCKSS, really miss them alot alot...

P.S What excatly is love?? Hahahahas I also dunnoe... but for me, what I feel is that, Loving one person does not means you have to tied him or her to your side.... As long as he/she is living happily... no matter with who... I think, its the best way to show them that you really love them, that is how I feel.... for now baaaas... oh wells time changes with perceptions... But for now... that is my way of defining love~! :O

xoxoxoxoxo

Recounts

2007-11-21T01:22:00.000+08:00

I cleaned my room last few days and I came across this song or rather the cd that contains this song. This song brings back lots and lots of memories... both good and bad... well, today I have just tendered my resignation letter to the school, Hahahahas~! Well, at first I am kinda hesitating.. but it kinda feel good when I told them my decisions... only thing that I will regret is not to see my dear monkies graduating from the school...

I remembered the first time I danced with Alice... this is the song that we dance to.. Both of us love this song because we both feel that this song really sings out the helplessness and yet the sweetness of love. Both grateful yet afraid of the love that was given. We..... danced to this song the whole night long at sentosa, under the starry night that we both can never forget... such a sight..

After when Alice left me, I went to sentosa once again.. alone.... the feeling was so de ja vu and yet sad but nice... it is as though all the feelings that I hold out for so long came back to me, rushing all over me... So....helpless...

I told Lynn about my resignation today.... and as usual... she bugged me to go to aussie... she told me that theres nothing here left for me to look back... might as well have a fresh start... Hmmmmms well, I wonder... ;p Guess decision have to be made have to made sooner or later baaas... Guess after this month I need to see where I should be going lers.... Kinda sudden and also feel kinda bad cos I promise the monkies to stay for a few more months... but.. sorry... I tried to push back as late as I could... but things just have a way of happening... But dun be sad olies? Like what I have posted earlier... Its sad for me to leave... its even harder to say goodbye to all of you like this... dun force me to say goodbye infront of you olies??

Lynn told me that its a bad choice telling you all that I would be quitting, cos it will only bring unhappiness to all of you. Maybe shes right, maybe shes just afraid that I will be tempted to stay... but whatever it is, I think.... haish... I just dun know what to say lers... Anyways, we can always meet up right?? Its not forever goodbye... Sho I will end here with a goodbye baaas~!

To all my monkies: You thank me after every lesson you had with me, but in fact it is I who must thank you for coming to my lessons with a smile. Though sometimes I had to force it out from you all, but we had fun and thats the main thing right? Ever since I join this school, I learn alot everyday, how to interact with kids, how to interact with teachers both troublesome and good... I tried to live a life as a normal person... but my destiny does not allows it.... maybe its time for me to face my destiny ler baaas though kinda late, but its better then never right? ;p
All of you told me that you had sought comfort in me but actually it is me who find comfort with all of you... please listen to your next 3d instructor olies??

感谢你们用心爱着我~！

THANK YOU MONKIES~! (Head bowing down) :p

EXAMS~!

2007-10-28T17:00:00.000+08:00

Oh My GOD~! Exams is coming and I have touch ZERO subjects....
Die ler laaaaaaaaaahs, just hope can pass baaaaaas so many thing to revise but sho little time..... sianzs......

Good/Bad Teachers?

2007-10-05T17:14:00.000+08:00

Seriously... I have been wondering?? How do you define a good or bad teacher?? I once ask this question to a teacher and this is what he told me... "You are considered a good teacher if you are on good relationship with either the teachers or students.. You are considered a hell of a teacher if you are on good terms with both.."

Well..... I dun know what to says.. Do yaz?? :P But I feel teachers cannot be catergorized with good or bad baaas... its either popular or not... thats the essence of it... cos if you are popular, most of the time, its smooth sailing.. if not, then welcome to hell~! :O

Dunnoe wat to blog liaos.... now abt to go for my KTV~! Weeeeees~!

Exams....

2007-10-03T00:57:00.000+08:00

Well, Exams is ard the corner lers..... hope all de monkeys is done revising and can score well, Or rather I WISH they can score well, as a farewell gift for me lahs~! :P Anyways, I guess its time for me to start finding jobs ler baaaas... Haish... Sho boring..... well, talked with lyn and she is once again.... bugging me to go aussie... well, not for long term, but just for holis... well I am not too sure though... maybe I will, maybe I will not..... BUT~! one thing can confirm is that I am going to hong kong baaas, its being a long time I have been there lers.... cos the last time I am there, I was busy settling my grandfather's funeral... as a results, did not go out much as well....
Well, Lets just hope that I can really enjoy myself this time round baaas~!

P.S.* My Phone Bill is gonna hit da roof lers..... I chat wif lyn for over about FOUR hours of overseas call... die lers...... LYN~! Pay half of my bill will yaz? :P

Ru Guo You Yi Tian.....

2007-09-06T18:10:00.000+08:00

As I look back the days I spend on my current work, the only thing that I will miss most will be the kids and some of the teachers that have trusted me... for that I would like to thank them for their support and care...

I remembered the time when I first accepted the job, My first class is actually 111, hahahas little devils... but all of them is really nice even though they are naughty...After that as days goes by, I came to know more about the students.... Lizhen, Liyi, Xinyi (All the Yis~!) that really change my life... cos they are the first batch of students that really talk to me... after that will be the sec 2s, Choco, Centaine,Eileen and company... LOL, I even helped them to salvage the situation among one another... then theres Huishan, Delia,Qianning, Yi ming and the rest, not forgetting yong ming that class... Thank you so much for all the memories that you all gave me both good and bad... Also not forgetting Kady, Michelle, Talia, Emily who celebrated my birthday with me~! :) even those I have miss out, thank you for helping me one way or another... Prehaps... its really time for me to say good bye lers...

Its hard for me to say good bye... but its even more so for me to say goodbye infront of you kids... Dun make me do that oks?? for those of you who know this blog, please keep this a secret for me okies?? There is alot of reasons for me leaving; not only the school's fault, but also partly my decison.... Maybe Singapore is really not the place for me to live in... Maybe... Haish... All that is to be spoken, need not speak.... I only hope that all of you kids can pass your 'o' levels peacefuly... Dun trouble yourself with unneccesary troubles... We will still be friends :) That I can promise... but in the near future, I will not be talking to you all as much baaas. Cos theres alot of things to consider and to do... Maybe when I have settled down, I will then contact you kids...

To Lizhen: You are a good girl, you alway were, but dun try relationship with any guys.. cos its always not good to throw yourself in to a realtionship without knowing anyting...

To Liyi: You say you dun like to be scolded, but sometimes it is because I cared for you thats why when you do something wrong, I would scold you... Anyways, just be a good girl and continue to study olies? :)

To Jiali: Life in hostel is always not nice, I know... but bear with it, and time will pass more quickly.. also please study dun always think of boys lahs~!

To Xinyi: Haish, among all of the sec 2nt You are the one I am worried about.. though you appeared to be mature, but you always can never pass love this obstacle... studies is more important olies? Cry over a boy is not worth it, beacuse end of the day, you have to account to yourself.. Be mature mentally okies?? :)

To Choco (A.K.A Homo): Dun be too sensitive ler okies?? being sensitive to some things is good, because it protects you.. but being too sensitive is not good too, try to open yourself up more... I dun wish to see you crying while growing up...

To Centaine: I know sometimes you feel that the whole world is against you... I know that feeling because I am experienced it before... In order to protect yourself, you hope that you can be safe just by being alone... sometimes, its a good thing to be alone... but that is only when you feel that people is too suffocating.. but friends is like oxygen.... breathe in without letting out, can only means certain death, not breathing also brings death to you... Learn to handle friends well and you will be fine... remember our promise? It still holds okies? ;)

To Eileen: Sometimes parents like to control their child unknowingly harming them... Talk to them more... especially dads, I know.. cos I have a feeling I will be like your dad when I have kids... Sho tell your dad how you feel, dun isolate him away, he IS part of you, and the same goes for you is a part of him... Can you imagine how you feel if a part of you is doing wrong, yet you cannot help him or her?? Thats your dad~!

Huishan: I know you are happy with your boy boy, but also must take care of your homework ahs... Also other teachers might not be as friendly as me, but all in all, all the teachers treat their students as their kids... Being fierce is sho that you can obey them...

Delia: Be a good girl olies?? You are a beautiful girl, I am sure you will have lots of guys chasing you lahs, Just have to find a guy who treats you nice ah~! Also, dun pon any classes ah~! Next time if you free, contact me lohs, we can all meet up and be hyper~! :O

Qianning: Stay long with him okies? :O Also take notice of your studies~! Jia you~!

Michelle: You are a nice and considerate girl, but sometimes just like to blow your temper... Though sometimes people might do something wrong, but you can always tell them clamly olies? Be nice to other people, they will be nice to you back~! :)

Talia: Grand Nu Er~! Hahahahas sorry I forget to thank you ahs~! Anyways, you are a caring girl, I can see that, Stay happy and grow up abit laaaahs, You look too tiny :P Drink more milk and go swimming more...:) Anyways, you will ALWAYS be my one and only Grand Nu Er lahs~!

Kady: So hows your experience with the outside world?? Sometimes people might just harm you, be it knowingly or unknowingly... you will never know, end of the day, just stay true to yourself and you will open up the path that you are destined to walk.. Stay firm in whatever you are doing if you feel and know its right..

Emily: I know sometimes people ignore you, but its ok, end of the day, you will know that these are not the friends for you, sho look for other people who will be true friends to you.. Keep searching, who knows? They might just be around you~!

Justina: Just hang in there ok? Just only a few more months to go... I know sometimes you just wanna find people to talk to, concern from other people... But Sometimes, when you look back, parents might just be the one you are looking for... talk to them, let them know you~!

Angela: All that needs to be spoken has been done... All that needs not to be spoken is there too.. All I hope is that you know what you are doing... thats all I ask of you... KNOW what you are doing...

Yong Ming: Maybe all along, she IS the one for you?? Maybe, just maybe be more brave, and things will be better... Think she is still waiting for you... If you still feel for her, DUN WASTE TIME... chase her back...

Myself: Maybe its time ler baaas... Somehow I feel...Life is like a boat... Nobody knows who I really am... I have never felt this lonely before... If I need someone... who will come along??? Maybe they just dun give a damm. I really dun know what I will do next... overseas? or continue to stay in singapore?? See how baaas, guess I have rest enough.....

Soooorie

2007-08-28T19:59:00.001+08:00

As I was reading back my posts, I realise that I have yet to say thank you to one special girl. Sho sorry... now then realise... well its none other then my GRAND DAUGHTER aka Talia... Oops.... Hmmms wells, I kinda miss her out because during that post I was really tired and my eyes is like poping out lers... though no excuse... but I would like to say sorry to her here... hope she forgive me... SUN NUER~! Ah gong says sorrie to you okies?? I know you also got contribute a part of my present... everytime I see your present, I really laugh like mad looohs~! And thank goodness I did not get stomachache when I drink the milk...Anways, as a form of apology, I will get you something nice after September Holis okies?? Sorry lah~! :P Anways hope you all kids will enjoy your one week holiday, some going to overseas with friends for the first time while some just wanna rot at home.

See you in school after the one week holidays baaas~! :)

P.S. Today when I was going back home... Lynette told me that she is in a relationship with somebody ler wooors~! :) You go gal~! Bring him back home and let me see ya? :P Well, at least I am not the one who break the promise~! Hahahas, no worries lahs, I will not be unhappy ders... Just try out this relationship olies?? I will always be there for you if you ever need me~! :D

All about lynette

2007-08-15T13:09:00.000+08:00

Lynette, Alice and I went a long waaaay back when all of us is still kids. In fact all of our mums is actually good friends when they were young. Both my mum and Alice's mum is actually from malaysia back then... where Lyn's mum is a singaporean. When three of them got married and had kids, they promise that they will make sure that three of their kids will be like their mums, become good friends. Sho naturally we did become good friends with one another and that is the point where three of our lives become interwined... though our mums did not meet up each other often, but they still make it a point that they will call one another or meet up one day on weekends. It will be a happy event where three of our mums will be busy making lunch, dads talking to one another while the three of us will play till we become silly! :P

During when we are about to start primary school, Alice's parents decided to move back to malaysia where life is not so stressful, while both lynette and me was being enrolled to the same primary school. Both of us was quite sad that alice did not join us, but we still keep close contact, whenever theres holidays, we will go to malaysia to visit her and her family... Life was really nice then, we had no worries and its always laughter... After primary 4, me and lynette was being streamed to different classes and that makes her insecure, because all along both of us was quite close, but when we are about to be seperated, she really freak out. Even to a point that she ask her parents to ask the teachers to let her to join my class. Hahahaha~! So funny~! Then there was this time where she was being bullied by her class boys.. she then ran to one corner and cry like its the end of the world, After I came to know of this, I just went straight to the boys who made her cry and started hitting him till his head started bleeding~! All the other boys got shock and ran to tell teachers while I was there, keep on hitting him. That idiot boy just cry and cry and cry, hmph... after I knew it, I was being called to the principal's office and was really being scolded and being punished... Parents was being called and things really got out of hand... cos the other party was like wanna call the police and make a big fuss out of it.... But I was lucky then, my teacher put her reputation for me makeing sure that this things will not happened again... All the while, lynette's parents is like trying their best to protect me telling the school that why I did that.... Haish... lynette is always like that ever since young.... getting bullied yet not speaking up... TOOPID girl~! :P But because of that, the friendship between us really deepen... and theres nothing in this world we cannot talk...

After secondary school, I went to a neighbourhood school while lynette went to CHIJ. After the first day of school, we rush to meet one another at yishun and really talk about our new schools, and that one whole day, both of us is so happy and excited~! As time goes by, as our studies get more and more busy, the time we chat also lessen, but we also make it a point to call over the phone at least during at night. Sometimes we can even chat till like 1 or 2 in the morning. Hahahas~! During my school's speech day she will come over while I will go over to hers during its her school speech day. She has really become a babe during secondary school days, and my friends is like all wanting her number and stuffs~! LOL sho funny.... and I will be da one end up protecting her~! Cos lynette's dad is from australia, sho she has the mixed look and that time lots of boys like that kind of girls... But somehow for me I just treat her as my really best friend.

After secondary school days, she went to JC while I am stuck at poly... thats when alice came back and also she join my poly.... thats was the three years that I will never forget in my life because that was the period of time I experienced the sweetest, the most bitter, the most confusing time of my life. Both alice and I studied at the same poly but different course, and that was the time we are really close to one another... at the same time Lyn is also spending alot of time with us... almost at the same time, both girls express their feelings to me..... But end of the day I chose Alice..... though I know lyn is really really sad, but she did not cry and instead bless us, and also in close company with us, helping us whenever she can... the best kind of friends I or even a people can ever had....

A friend that will stand by you thick and thin, no matterhow the rest of the world sees you as. Its really hard to come by and I am really happy by the fact that I had two.... Lynette has seen my ups and downs and trust me..... Its not a good sight when I am down, and most typical friend will actually even heck care you.... My life back then was beyond fucked up.... when alice was gone, I smoke, drink and even tempted to take drugs..... I skip school like no tomorrow, and I was just wasting my life.... but lynette keep holding my hands and never let me go off once... for that I am really grateful to her.... but also because of this, I too feel guilty because I have never returned my feeling to her... Maybe because I was just afraid of starting another relationship ler baaas, or maybe because I was too afraid that the same thing might happened to lynette and I can assure you that I will immediately end my life too... cos the blow is way too big for me lers... once is enough and till now I am still recovering from it.. if it happens the second time...

Lynette... I dun know what to say to you.... whatever promises I gave you will always be there... I will not break it... Sorry I keep saying no.... its not your fault, its mine... If I cannot find the answer myself, I am not going to ask you or even both of us to find out.. sometimes its better to let time itself to unravel the mysteries itself baaas. You had held my hands long enough lers, time to let me walk off for awhile baaas.. Dun worry~! When I am tired ler, I will still make my way back to you ders :) For now wait for my return olies? Thank you for all you have done all along dear girl~! Thank you...again.. :) Dun be too soft anymore lers... during the time I am not with you, try to be abit more fierce olies? otherwise other people will keep taking advantage of you~! TOOPID GIRL~! :)

Backie

2007-08-07T20:06:00.000+08:00

Sorry for da long delay~! Hahahas these few days I am kinda sick, so I did not really online as often as last time. Today, this morning lynn went back to aussie to continue her studies~! (Good luck~!) the moments before she board the plane she msg me telling me that shes about to board. Hahahas Sorry wor dear girl, dun have da time to send you off... but then we will see each other pretty soon ya?? :) And also need to say thanks to her cos she took care of me while I was sick, that day she sms me if I wanna meet, but I was too sick to meet up and msg her back that I am sick, knowing that she came and find me while I was about to go and see doctor. Guess is common flu baaaas, but the feeling I had was like the last time before I had flu too... Hope its not something of a big problem baaaas... She took care of me for two full days and something funny happens.... I forgot that I had me mc inside my jeans that day and she wanna help me to soak my jeans.... and well, there goes my mc~! --__--.... She was sooooo guilty that its like she really wanna cry ler~! LOL~! Aiya, its ok lahs dun worry... But seriously these few weeks, I am really happy that shes with me... with her, theres alot of things I can just talk to her and share me thoughts to. Truely theres no friend like her... :) next post will fully dedicated to her :P

Song that I like

2007-07-28T23:17:00.000+08:00

Theres no song that can touch my heart since god knows when.. but recently I get to listen to a song sing by 张震岳. Song title is 思念是一种病, The song's lyrics really touches my heart most cos thats what and how I am feeling now. Though I know its useless to loiter around past, but just cannot help... Maybe god really wants me to learn lessons that most of the other people cannot imagine or wanna learn if they have a choice. Stay in the past too long is not too good, but I think its like a drug baaas, why do people take drugs?? Cos it makes them forget all the unhappiness they experience. One is harmfully to the body, while mine drug is harmful to my mind.

Both me and lynette has promise each other to give us more time. Five years to be to precise... to do all the things we want and just be wild for this five years, when five years is up, I have started to have feelings for her and while if shes still waiting for me, then maybe, just maybe I will go to aussie with her bas... well, who knows?? Maybe it will not even takes five years~! Lyn's parents went back lers.... before they depart from singapore, lyn's mum talk to me privately, she told me that not to loiter in the past for too long. Look ahead bas... Hahaha~! Maybe I will baaaas.

Friends really can help you or pull you down, either ways friends is essentials for a normal person. It will mprove your well being and not only that, it teaches you how to handle things in life that no books can teach you... Being sandwich in the middle of two friends that dun like one another is really stressful, sometimes even feel like dun wana care about them, but they are your friends, and you had no choice but to accompany them... What advice then can you be given in order to solve that?? Seriously I dunn know. If I cannot find the answer to the problem, I am definately not going to help you to answer it. A answer that both of us gotta find out.

Oh~! I waaaaaaaannnnaaaaaa go for holis LAHS~! (T_T), Maybe Lyn and I can go to hong kong.... Hmmmms I have suggest the idea to her and she was like sho suprised~! And she was like msning me like mad yesterday cos she went to a few travel agencies.... Ey dear girl~! I say going to hong kong on DEC leis~! Kinda early to find the prices right? :P

Anyways I really gotta say thanks to her baaaas, cos without her I really cannot go through my tough and hellish times in my life, a blosom friend indeed. :)

P.S. Please listen to the song in my blog, thats the song I like~! :) May all people who is still loitering or trapped in the past to move on in life baaaas, may I can fulfilled that wish myself too~! Jia yous baaaas~!

一辈子有多少的来不及发现, 已经失去最重要的东西. 恍然大悟, 早已远去. 为何总是在犯错之后才肯相信, 错的是自己. 他们说这就是人生, 试着体会试着, 忍住眼泪, 还是躲. 不开应该有的情绪, 我不会奢求世界停止转动. 我知道逃避一点都没有用, 只是这段时间里, 尤其在夜里还是会想起. 难忘的事情, 我想我的思念是一种病. 久久不能痊愈.

汲汲营营, 忘记身边的人需要爱的关心. 借口总是拉远了距离, 不知不觉, 无声无息. 我们总是在抱怨事与愿违, 却不愿意回头看看自己,想想自己. 到底做了甚么蠢事情, 也许是上帝给我一个试炼, 只是这伤口需要花点时间. 只是会想念, 过去的一切那些人事物, 会离我远去. 而我们终究也会远离, 变成回忆.

多久没有说我爱你, 多久没有拥抱你所爱的人. 当这个世界不在那么美好,只有爱可以让他更好. 我相信一切都来得及, 别管那些纷纷扰扰. 别让不开心的事, 停下了脚步. 就怕你不说, 就怕你不做, 别让遗憾继续, 一切都来得及.

Backie~!

2007-07-23T10:47:00.000+08:00

Hiyas~! Hahahahas sorry I did not update for a very long time... hmmmms loads of stuffs happens, plus my network is not really stable which is not helping me at all.... Well, where should I start?? First off I went to watch Helicopter AKA Harry Potter : Order of the phoenix, and what a dissapointment I get.... hahahas I was kinda expecting a battle royale between the good magicians and da baddies.... well, I kinda get the thing... but it was like the LAST FIVE MINS~! What the........ But oh wells... Oh oh oh, and da day before, I was having a class gathering, and theres only like what?? Five persons??--__--"" Sianz diao.. den straight after that I went to victoria concert all for my school's band. well, its eeeeerrrrr ok?? Well, not to my expections lahs... but hmmmms for a average audience is ok lahs.. had loads of good times with my long lost buddies lahs and met up with alot of people I think I have already lost in contact lers.. well, basically thats all lahs, actually theres more, but now I am too tired to post anymore. so please hold untill I have fully recharge baaaas :)

I wanna....

2007-07-16T21:15:00.001+08:00

I WANNA GO FOR HOLIDAYS OVERSEAS~! RAWR~! T.T

Hmmmmms

2007-07-14T22:53:00.000+08:00

Yesterday meet my deaaaaaaar lynette~! (There~! I say it lers, dun argue wif me saying that why I did not say ahs...). And there is she with her parents~! Waaaaa sho stressful leis.... But it was a nice time.... I then stay overnight at their house.... its was... quiet.... I like it alots... yesterday night, we did not really sleep, all of us just kinda stay up till very late chatting with one another.... Lynette's mum was a lawyer, and her dad.... well, was currently with the states army. They take time out to visit their daughter while they are on holis. Both of them really stay up and chat with me while lynette was sho tired that she just slept on my laps. LOL, Tooooopid girl~! Wish I had a marker~! Waaahahahas den can draw your face~! Lyn's dad have a very long chat with me... he kept asking me why I dun wanna go to aussie with lyn... I also dun know how to reply him... Seeing I was kinda uncomfy, lyn's mum kinda change conversation... And that kinda ends at that... when lyn's dad went to bed, lyn's mum came and talk to me.... She says she knows what happens and its really hard for me to drop this burden as it has affected me since poly's life... But she told me unless I face it myself and come to a solution and be happy about it, theres no way I can continue my journey.... Its my battle and mine alone... after saying that, lyn's mum went to bed.

Then I was alone with lynette with her sleeping while I watch the sunset rise... At that moment, how I wish lynette is alice.... how I wish shes alive..... Its not fair to lynette... I know...And when Lynette woke up from her sleep, she kinda hinted me at something.... But I as usual rejected her in a subtle way... but she told me that no matter what she will wait... but I really feel bad about it.....

In this world, one person is destined to be hurt by another person... this vicious cycle keeps turning.... I feel so sorry to Lynette.... Alice was hurt by her exboyfriend, while she hurts me.. and in the process I hurted Lynette... huh ironic... but sad.. Lynette, all I wish to says is that I need more time to settle down... I know its been four years coming to five... its a long time.. but my wounds is not that shallow either..... Sorry for making you wait... who knows? Maybe one day, you might be the one whu makes me smile once again? :P

Got A phone call~!

2007-07-10T13:23:00.000+08:00

Waaaaa.... today got a phone call from lynette wors.... hahahas her parents wanna meet me~! Hmmmmmms very long time I saw her parents ler... it was like what?? since after my secondary life?? Think about 7 years ler baaaassss... Sho long time did not meet them up lers... but they are good parents though.... even how busy they were, they always spend time with lynette, getting to know what kind of friends she hang out with..

Sorry Babe~! even this time you ask your parents to help you to ask me to join you to go to aussie, I think I will still reject baaaas... Cos I know end of the day, here is where I am and will belong to... I know going there is a fresh start for me... but I dun know if thats a good thing to do anot..... All I know is that I need to stand up from where I fall, and this is the place where I had falled, so this is gonna be the place on where I am going to stand up. Call me stubborn baaaas, but thats me~! :) If I cannot even accept myself, how am I gonna expect others to accept me?

Prehaps one day, once I am able to stand up, I will come and see you in aussie baaas.. but for now, lets put it aside and show your parents around singapore once they are here okies?? :)

Party is over~!

2007-07-08T00:09:00.000+08:00

Its been five days since my birthday pass, theres lots of nice and happy events also sad and not-so-pleasant things going on. First on the unhappy things: I got a call from someone that I thought I will not be receiving for a very long time, I was surprise at first, but was quite sadden by it. What excatly happen I dun wanna say anymore since its in the past. I just wanna settle down thats all. Please, let me settle down ok?? Please I beg everyone to just let me be on my own first.... Haish... Also my old injuries is also acting up, dun know why its everytime of this particular month of every year

Curse? Or memories from her? I really dun know... since my babi wants me to move on in my life, prehaps I should baaas. every now and then when I look and think of you, maybe it will not be that painful anymore lers, maybe it will be more painful too, I really dun know.

Well, moving on~! 3rd of July was my birthday, nothing much happen that day cos I was very busy with the on going competitions and hopefully we can be fruitful when the competitions ends :) I have high hopes on the kids, hopefully they can make it! Also what makes me happy was some kids gave me some pressies! Something that I used to shun away when I was still not so stable emotionally, Some kids know what happen to me, some dun know. I really dun know If letting them know what happen to me, you or us is good for them anot.... The only good thing IF I let them know is that so that they will not walk down the path we did. Over here, I would like to thank my two nu ers Kd and Mic. Hahahahas if you are alive, I think you would love them too~! Also not forgetting Emily.... her present was..... like Dejavu..... in her present I saw you... for a moment I dun know what to says or think.... See that I am kinda lost in doing whatever I do... cos whatever I did, I did it for our future.. but now, who am I fighting for?? That remains an answer I need to find out for myself....

Suddenly I felt that I have lost my wings, I am not as happy as I was before. Lots of people wish that they can find their long lost smile, so am I. Prehaps someday, someone is able to let me smile once more. Untill then I will just wait baaas, haish, time for me to walk the road again! :)

P.S. ( Relationship is a gift! No matter be a friendship or love or even family, so I hope people around me to cherish it before its gone!)

2007-07-02T13:07:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow is my birthday, thank you for those who wanna spend time with me and also those who send me well wishes. Three years has pass since I have really met up with my old friends.. Some of them knows what happen to me some do not.... Over all thank you all of you. I guess life for me is still not really bad... cos over the years I have made lots of really good friends who stand by me no matter what... thank you all of you... And noooo hahahas, da rumours of me going to overseas and stay is not true... at least for now... :P Thank you most to lynette whos ever so patient to me.. sorry time and time again I made you cried... Guess I am a bad guy huh?? I think the guy who made you cry da most should be me ler baaas. Ho ho ho! Your admirers is SO gonna kill me! Anyways, those of you who know whats going on in my life, please give me time.... thats the most important thing I need now, also I am short of now...... Anyways Happy Birthday to me!

No answer, no questions...

2007-07-02T02:13:00.000+08:00

Sorry Lynette.... Guess my answer is still no. I think you should know the reason baaaas. You have known me for a long time, sorry that I reject you once more.... I think its better you go to aussie without me. I think I still wanna stay here.... though there is lots of sad and unpleasant memories here, but.... I really dun wanna go... I know you meant well, but.... hai.... something just compel me to stay.... Maybe is Alice, maybe is something else. I really really dun know... maybe when I have settle down on my feeling, I might consider moving to aussie baaaas, maybe also theres more memories there, forcing me not to go there.... Dun wait for me lers.... cos I dun want another life to be ruin in my hands... Sorry it has to be this way..... even more sorry that I made you cried that day, I really dun meant it.... Sorry.... But one thing I am sure of, is that I still love Alice as though as shes my life... Cos she is forever and will be my one and only...

Dun wish to says ler

2007-06-29T00:12:00.000+08:00

I am really really tired lers, give my best yet all thought that my intentions is with malice. Forget it, from now on, I will only show concern for those who are truly repentant. My focus now is to improve the kids animations, and the rest I dun wanna think too much lers.

天空灰的像哭过离开你以后并没有更自由.

山上的空气, 嗅出我们的距离. 一幕觉醒的结局, 像呼吸般无法停息抽屉泛黄的日记.

榨干了回忆那笑容是傻气, 你我的过去悲伤是真的忘记. 却让往后的爱情粗心的眼泪是多余,

我知道你我都没有错只是忘了怎么退后. 信誓旦旦给了承诺却被时间扑了空.

我知道我们都没有错, 只是放手未必就好过最美的爱情回忆里待续.

Maybe its better to give ourselves some spaces baas. Sorry lynette, I cannot give you an answer yet. at least not now.....

You really want me to leave??

2007-06-25T01:33:00.000+08:00

Do you really want me to move on in my love life babi?? Why do you want me to move on?? I really dun understand.... why do you alway like to chase me away?? My birthday is coming soon... If people really wants me to make one wish, my wish would be that I can see you and accompany you forevar..... When I watch the movie "Pirates of the Carribean 3". I am so jealous that at least both the main lead can meet every ten years..... how about us then?? Babi, sometimes I really HATE you for being so selfish... leaving me here all alone. Forcing me to move away from you.....you says I have to stay on on this world because the world needs me... but I NEED YOU! Life really pass so slowly when you are gone... You remember lynette?? She just came back from england, she wanna meet me to see if I am ok.... I really dun know if I wanna meet her anot... Cos when I see her, its as though I have seen you through her... I think I will have a breakdown if I go.. She told me once that I should let you rest in peace since you are away from this life, dun let you worry about me in this life...

Feelings from me now : "Now I can only remember you when I see that fading photo, forgotten is that lonely corner that we used to meet, the things that miss most is your smile.. Whenever life does not goes smoothly, the more I think the more lonely I get.. yet the more lonely I get, the more I realised that its normal... I wonder if you are like me now, tasting bitter coffee and lonely morning sun. Suddenly realising that we spend more time alone, looking at the changes in the sky. If one day we meet together, I wonder if time will turn back? Maybe we have overlooked the feeling that we had other then hurting one another. If one day we have realised that coming together and parting peacefully is just a false impression that we give to each other. If we dun realise that, maybe we should give ourselves more time and space?"

Time.... do I have the luxury of wasting it?

All I can says now is I wanna spend my birthday alone... Happy birthday to me... (T_T)

At a loss for words...

2007-06-23T01:15:00.000+08:00

AAAAAARGGGGGGHHHH~! I am SO loss now... sob sob! I have lost my momento that my babi bought for me! Damm it~! I DUN wanna lost it~! WHY WHY WHY?? I feel like banging my wall now! I once remembered that my babi told me.... if one day shes gone and some how, my bracelet is lost, it means that I should carry on my life and must not miss her anymore, meaning she does not wants me to be with her lers.... Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh~! So lost for words.... Am I really supposed to do that?? Hais..... Lost now really lost for words.....

Should I take a step back??

2007-06-21T23:14:00.000+08:00

Lately I have been thinking.... about some stuffs, about some talks I had with, not only some of the teachers that I have been working with but also my personal friends..... seems like I am spending more time with the kids at school then with them... Complaining liaos...... Haiz... Sorry to all my friends... cos sometime realli have no time to go out, cos my energy has realli been used up at school lers...hahahas... today I received a sms from a sec two student, that makes me rethink about my commitment to my work.... No doubt, its my nature to give my 200% in whatever I do... but sometimes, its just so discouraging as a teacher... trying to advise the kids that are going in a wrong direction, and yet unable to help them walk back to the right path....

When a advice was been given out to them and yet, they can reply you saying that its not my problem and they can do what they wants... haizs... when I see that sms, its like a knife through my heart... I have always believed that this student of mine has always been a mature one.. though the student smokes, and do other things that I will immediately bring them to police and charge them with the things that they done... but I am always not hard hearted enough to do that. As I always believed, When someone is in your life for a REASON. It is usually to meet a need you have expressed. Haiz.... so tired now.... I dun wanna walk down this path... for now lers.... Its always so tiring to walk alone.. I am starting to understand how my babi feels when all this crushing stuffs that just keep piling on her when shes alive. All I want right now is to be ALONE. really really be alone... and also to be with you. I really miss your smile babi... I really really miss it. So so tired.....

Looong talk...

2007-06-11T01:00:00.000+08:00

You once say to me.... can I lay my life down, so that a stranger may live... Can you take what you need, but take less than you give? Could you close every day, without the glory and fame?Could you hold your head high, when no one knows your name? Most of all, Can you lose everything, you ever had planned? Can you sit down again, and play another hand?..... dat time I am really speechless, cos I realli dun know..... uue once told mii dat I should not feel sad if uue ever leave me.... cos uue are but only a small part in my heart... but babi, do uue know that how big my heart is? uue told me to let go if I realli love uue, I really cannot. I just can't....

I once came upon a case... theres a couple thats need saving after their boat sinks... I was the rescue swimmer then, I was then deployed for the rescue... I swam to them and I saw the husband was clinging to a floation, while the wife is with a lifevest.... I proceeded to save the wife while advising then husband to hold on to his float... the husband told me not to leave him and during the time I tried to put his wife to the basket letting the helo to airlift her, the husband throw himself from the back wanting to be saved first... during the course, pushing his wife down under the waters.... I was then with no choice, gave him a punch that nearly broke his nose, and then proceed to put him in the basket.... during the time the basket was been winch back to the helo, a big wave came towards us, pushing the wife down under the sea... when I swam back to the surface, I did not saw her, and went undersea to find her... lucky I saw her just near me, and then managed to save her... but she was unconcious and when I and her was being pulled up to the helo, I had to perform cpr to her... lucky for the husband, she managed to live... after when we reach the base, the couple quarreled quite fiercely.... Such a comedy to others, but not for me... but we dun blame the husband, pure survival instinct...

Sometimes when I think back... it took me a long time to realise that the man was also me.... Dear, am I really like him?? I think I am.... keep on clinging to uue yet I dun let uue have a breather..... dear..... so sorry... I... just can't let uue go.... I really can't.... I wish to let uue go... but I really can't.. sorry for my selfishness.... prehaps, one day when I can really let it go, then I can ask for your forgiveness... so sorry...

A Little thoughts of da day...

2007-06-05T20:26:00.000+08:00

I rewatch Guardian today.... its sooo much like what I had gone through.... How I like dat show.... Able to saves lots of lives yet unable to handle or even save ours.... Its a thankless job after all.... only when people needs uue, its only THEN, they will be grateful to you.... theres one scene that I really remember it da most.... in order to honour da loves one dat leaves uue, 1st honour your own talents and gift.... I had da talent to swim like no tomorrow, thus I was being send to da coast guard for training.... during the days of my training, I just had da mentally to die there.... but I always survive..... dat time.... when da incident happens... when da waves came crushing mi.... when I nearly cannot breathe..... my mind is always fill with your face, your expressions.... I was so happy that I can finally be with yous... after saving my buddy life.... whos there to save mine?? Mine that has been long killed by my own hands....

我想我可以习惯一个人生活.....

2007-06-03T19:48:00.000+08:00

镜子里的我很不像我
自从你离开了我变得很软弱
你的影子在每一个角落
好像是在提醒着我
少了你的陪伴我现在有多寂寞
我想我可以习惯一个人生活
我想我可以假装不曾爱过
冰凉的夜里让眼泪温热我

我想我可以习惯一个人生活
我想我可以假装不曾爱过
感觉如果要走谁能说no

In memory of uue my love.....

So tired mentally....

2007-05-31T22:45:00.000+08:00

I am SOOOOOOO tired mentally.... seriously theres sooo many things to consider and stuffs... not like last time when I'm used to be school being with uue.... I suddenly remember one funni incident when we r students... theres one time I got caught by my lecturer for being late... I overslept then and uue tried calling mii But I really slept like a pig... so as a results, I was being made to stay back for detention~! I was so guilty cos I promise uue to go out dat dae..... Uue are also too angri to reply my sms den.... but I had no choice but to do my punishment.... but to my surpise uue came and accompany mii when I was in detention~! It was realli realli realli sweet of uue.... not only uue sneak in to accompany miii but also uue bought lunch for the two of us.... I was so touched by what uue did that I realli KISSED uue on da spot~! Hahahahaha, all my friends look at us with thier mouths WIDE OPEN~! Ha ha ha ha, laugh die miii.... since den I have not kissed anyones lers.... cos I am afraid that once I kissed other girls, I will forget uue my dear babi..... people often encourage miii to walk out... but I realli can't.... I JUST can't..... sorry I broke my promise to uue luv.... seems like I am a person that is not good at keeping promise.... So sorri.....

A very old present from uue to mii

2007-05-27T17:18:00.000+08:00

There is so mani things going on in my life right now.... good and bad, and also important things happenning ..... My exams is coming right ard da corner... so stress, hopefully I can pass my exams.... Am studying with my coursemates these few days.... and today I suddenly dun feel like studying, thus go back early... while on my way home during da mrt trip, I had a sudden urge to take a photo of this.... You used to sae I had a fiery temper... and that makes you feel umcomfy. So you went to bought a bracelet to let mii wear... hoping that whenever I am about to get angry at things... I can notice this bracelet and hopefully not lose my temper; hoping this bracelet can "contain" those fiery temper and I can change for da better.. When I saw what you gave miii, I really laugh~! Also touched dat, you really love mii and hope that just by doing these little things, I can change..... Its now 2007 ler babi.... three years since uue pass on in life..... so mani people have come and go, things, situations.... but all along staying with mi, is uue and your bracelet.... dat dusty bracelet... Sorri I have not go back to your grave in malaysia to clean up.... but wait for a little while more ya? I promise uue dat I will company you for two full days.... till then wait for mii patiently olies? Muacks~! I luuuuuuuuuurveeeee yoooooooooooouu~!

Pain is good.. I like it~!

2007-05-23T07:40:00.000+08:00

Sunday went to sentosa to go suntanning.... waaaaa ovarcooked miself lohs... den like da whole of my body is RED. den my whole body started to become very itchy and painful... Sianz... But then again... I like this kind of pain... makes mii feel alive.... Guesss thats the only way to know that I am still alive(Sadly) after losing my heart.... Tuesday I wrote a letter to angela... hmmmms hope shes will respond to mii... She seems so much like uue... so mani things to share but no one to talk to....I just wish that she will not take the path that uue did, hopefully I can avert that.... And at night, I suddenly become sick... flu, cold like symptons.... Suddenly feeling cold though my whole body is emitting heat.... den I had a dream abt mii and uue... inside da dream, we are just lieing down in my room, looking at da sky and just chit chatting.... How I wish I can be inside the dream forever....

I dun wish to......

2007-05-19T02:47:00.000+08:00

雨　不停落下來　
花　怎麼都不開儘管我細心灌溉　
你說不愛就不愛　我一個人　欣賞悲哀
愛　只剩下無奈　我　一直不願再去猜鋼琴上黑鍵之間　
永遠都夾著空白　缺了一塊　就不精采緊緊相依的心如何Say goodbye　
你比我清楚還要我說明白　愛太深會讓人瘋狂的勇敢　
我用背叛自己　完成你的期盼把手放開不問一句Say goodbye　
當作最後一次對你的溺愛　冷冷清清淡淡今後都不管　只要你能愉快
心　有一句感慨　我　還能夠跟誰對白在你關上門之前　替我再回頭看看　
那些片段　還在不在

I miss you soo much~!

2007-05-19T02:26:00.000+08:00

Just cannot sleep all of a sudden.... Your face keep poping out in my mind everytime I closed my eyes... How I miss you so so much.... Why do you have to leave me alone in this world?? Alone in this world is such a cruel punishment to me... to always to pin for you and yet unable to see you once more... How I wish theres someone out there who can really really fuilfull my wish, dat is to stay wif you at the other world... Why do you have to save me during that accident? I should have died then... How I wish I can die there and then... just so that I can be with you. Everytime, I keep thinking of the times I had with you... Its like my whole life has been sucked out of me. Together with my heart, I have now no more feelings only short of regrets and guilty... I still can remember the first time I met you, the first time we kissed... the first time we huddle under one blanket during that cold cold night during our trip to aussie... Now all I have is only a picture of you and me... a fading yellow picture I desperately keep holding on... You can ALWAYS find a way to cheer me up whenever I am sad... but now.... :_( I really really miss you so so so so much.... untill the day I join you, please be proud of me and please keep on loving me okays? Because for me, I know that I will never stop loving you..

Damm Bloody DULAN~!

2007-05-19T02:19:00.000+08:00

Today was DA most dulan day of amongst all my Dulans Days. Why is it so, I shall not go in further, In case I get more angry.... I was so sad and angry seeing how teachers nowadays treat their students... You did not gib them a chance to explain their actions, and just suspend them from school is okays, but going as far as STOPPING THEM TO SEEK HELP IS ONE OF A DAMM BASTARD KIND OF BEHAVIOUR... I seriously hope that their kids will have the same treatment they got when they grow up cos of da way you people treat some students.... WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND.... Really the more I type the more dulan I get.... FUCK ALL THESE KIND OF TEACHERS....